Cut the Shit

Standing Up

I typed "Standing up" in google images (where I get all my pics) and this dude (to the left) popped up. I laughed and then thought "For the love of God, what kind of douchebag lets this picture get released?" For shame.

I'm currently back in my apartment, having left work at 4pm. I got there at 10am and did my best to get through the day, but the pain in my back is a constant reminder that I should have probably just stayed at home. But man, if I "had" to watch one more episode of Maury Povich, I would have killed myself. Personally I'm a Starting Over fan cuz I just love those crazy bitches. They're SO like me cept I actually go to work and don't blame other people for my problems.

In any case, pretty uneventful day at work and it was nice to have all of my co-workers fawning all over me. "How ARE you?", "Can I get you anything?", "Would you like me to blow you under your desk?" They were all very sweet although they probably could have done without me showing them my busted up knee at every free moment. "Look guys, it's healing!" "Look guys, the bruise is starting to turn a greenish yellow!" Having bruises makes for built in hilarity and I totally capatilized on that today.

My friend Kelly and I just spoke on the phone for the first time since I fell. She was like "How could this have been so serious and I haven't talked to you for two days?"

And I got to thinking...when something big happens to me (the bad stuff, not the good stuff), I get all quiet and don't reach out for assistance. It's just how I am. I had Paul at home and he took amazing care of me (like REAL amazing care of me - I was utterly impressed). But I still haven't talked to Rita, Angie, or Mariah about this. And usually I would call them right away.

If one of my friends took this kind of spill, I would be so upset if they didn't let me know right away. I would want to be that friend in need. Always. But when it's in reverse, I tend to hide out in my cave and get myself back to the place where I can resume taking care of other people. It's strange. Not healthy. And I realize that. But in this instance, the life lesson kind of screamed in my face.

LEAN ON OTHERS. ASK FOR HELP.

There was a moment in the last two days where I was laying on my stomach and Paul was massaging the nemisis in my back...

He got up and went to the bathroom and then got on the phone. He was gone for 15 minutes. In that time, I laid there and tried to figure out a way to turn my body over. All I wanted to do was sit up and change the channel on the television. But I couldn't. I couldn't move an INCH. Stuck lying on my stomach. For 15 minutes, I just LAID - trying to Macguyver my way out of the situation and to no avail.

Against my will, I started to softly cry. Just a tear or two, shed for myself, representing my frustration in realizing that this was one of the more serious injuries I've ever had. Being someone who deals more with emotional handicaps (I've never broken a bone OR been devastatingly ill), it was a new experience for me; being unable to even get out of bed - by will - emotional breakdowns don't count in this situation.

Of course my overactive brain starts to imagine scenarios where instead of busting up my knee, I actually broke my spine and was permanently in a wheelchair. (shudder) I truly believe that I don't have the personal strength to ever survive an ordeal like that. But then again, who would think they could survive something like that BEFORE it happens?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that this fall could have been much, much worse.

We all have those brief seconds every day where our life could change forever. I'm incredibly grateful to God that I've never had to deal with this type of situation. And I'm incredibly grateful to those in my personal life who have immediately come to my aid without me asking.

And God bless me, if I ever do end up paralyzed or violently ill, I can only hope that I will be a Lance Armstrong or a Ryan White (look him up if you don't know who he is - shame on you.:)).

I can only hope that I would be a Mikey (you know who you are).

Everyone expects me to be the healthy guy. When I was talking to my dad a couple of weeks ago, he said "I never worry that you're going to die. Your brother, I worry every day (He was in Iraq for a year and a half)." Which is funny to me, cuz I'm the one in the family that has thought the most about suicide, but I digress.

When my parents found out that I took a fall, my mom basically burst into tears on the phone and my dad called me every five minutes on my commute to work today. "Just making sure you got there ok."

I guess that, in a way, I've looked at my physical health the way that my family looked at it. Everything will always be ok. "If you got off the couch more often, then we'll discuss it". Fair enough.

But I am vulnerable. At 28 (almost 29-eep!) I am finally realizing that I'm NOT invincible. My time will come and the future is unwritten. For good AND for bad. Maybe I'm not the teenager that I still believe I am. Maybe I became a MAN in the process of growing older. In which case...hot!

Anyway...a lot to think about for a Wednesday. But then again, what day of the week does it HAVE to be for my mind not to go to the extreme?